Posts Tagged ‘Art Museum’

The columnist has made hundreds of New Year’s resolutions over the years – for himself and on behalf of many of you.  Some have taken: some have not.  For himself, the columnist vows better attention to health; more acceptance of the limits of medicine; greater patience with the pace of healing; and a more heartfelt gratitude to doctors, nurses, billing clerks, insurance companies, and (especially) to well-wishers.  He also vows greater attention to correct spelling, accurate timing, complete quoting, standard punctuation, organized note-taking, credible attribution, flattering photography, and graceful corrections.  Of course, that is an annual resolution, made with little real intention of doing anything about the habits of a lifetime gossipist. On your behalf, the columnist attributes (with no foundation and with relatively little malice) the following fantasy resolutions:

• From President Barack Obama: I’ll do my Christmas vacation next year with Claire, Joe, and their family in St. Louis, as long as Claire promises not to Tweet about it and Joe pays for the Pi.
• From Governor Jay Nixon:  I’ll ask Peter Kinder, who practically lives there, to tell Georganne the best places to eat, shop, and stay in St. Louis.
• From Archbishop Robert Carlson:  I’ll make more good news with Catholic Charities than bad.
• From SLU president the Rev. Larry Biondi:  I’ll commission a statue of a naked Rick Majerus for Bannister House if the Billikens make the NCAA Tournament.
• From Sen. Kit Bond:  I’ll use my final year to find jobs for all my staff.
• From County Executive Charlie Dooley:  I’ll ask the nice Greg Boyce for a couple of lumps of clean coal to put into a certain former staffer’s Christmas stocking.
• From Mayor Francis Slay:  I’ll give a Key to the City to Lady GaGa.
• From KMOV GM Alan Cohen:  I’ll do infomercials 24/7.
• From “Donnybrook” founder Martin Duggan:  I’ll start a blog. What’s a blog?
• From Emerson CEO David Farr and celebrated attorney Linda Martinez:  We had no idea we were named “man and woman of the year” by the Variety Club until we read it in Berger’s column. We hope he’ll be seated with us at the April 24th dinner.
• From Congressman Lacy Clay:  I’ll check “finally single”  on my Census form next year.
• From former GOP consultant Rod Jetton: I’ll use the hot air
• From the Robin  Carnahan campaign to fill a bouquet of green balloons.
• From Gateway Foundation donor M. Peter Fischer:  I think I’ll do another two blocks.
• From Build-A-Bear boss Maxine Clark:  I’ll stuff the first marketing person who suggests a children’s video on national health care reform, immigration, or gun control.
• From former Engineered Air’s Mike Shanahan:  Since that fancy country club in Naples, Fla., has blackballed me and sent me a check that bounced, I think I’ll remain at Old Warson.
• From the St. Louis Beacon’s Bob Duffy:  We now have our own space in the KETC-TV offices and hope we’ll open an Illinois bureau in Pontoon Beach.
• From television reporter Alex Fees:  Maybe I can get Donna Wilkinson to follow Steve Schankman on my “Conversations with. . .” in January on HEC-TV – if her stockings aren’t falling.
• From Congressman Russ Carnahan:  I’ll use my frequent flier miles to send mouthy Ed Martin on a long trip to country without the Internet.
• From Blues owner Dave Checketts:  I’ll play Ed Goltermann in goal for home games.
• From Gerard Craft:  I’ll open a Niche on every corner.
• From WashU chancellor Mark Wrighton:  I’ll get that Top 10 ranking back.
• From Chief Tim Fitch:  I’ll find a new badge for Floyd Warmann.
• From KSDK GM Lynn Beall:  I’ll retire or replace any face viewers might conceivably recognize.
• From Rams owner Chip Rosenbloom:  I’ll fire the coach if he blows our number one draft choice by actually winning another game.
• From Bob Baer:  I’ll ride the last Metro bus to Chesterfield if the County tax campaign fails in April.
• From would-be Rams owner Rush Limbaugh:  I’ll buy the Arch Rival Roller Girls instead.
• From north St. Louis developer Paul McKee:  I’ll mow all my yards and rake yours too.
• From entrepreneurs Mike and Steve Roberts: We’ll suggest changing the name of St. Louis City to Roberts St. Louis City.
• From Symphony music director David Robertson:  I’ll buy KFUO and program it with hip-hop, uh. . .classical music.
• From Cardinals president Bill DeWitt III:  I’ll change the name of Ballpark Village to Holliday Haven.
• From the Loop’s Joe Edwards:  I’ll open a successful venue on the actual Moon.
• From Lee CEO Mary Junck:  I’ll improve morale by signing a good contract with the Newspaper Guild.
• From AmerenUe officials:  I’ll use the phrase “a warm holiday glow” in our next filing with the Public Service Commission to soften them up on a nuclear power rate increase.
• From Art Museum honcho Brent Benjamin:  I’ll expand.
• From AB Inbev boss Carlos Britto: I’ll find out if Clydesdales go better with a little lime.
• From grocer Greg Dierberg:  I’ll open the most popular grocery in a decade and call it. . .Culinaria Too.
• From the Caseyville and Collinsville police:  Next time we hope we’ll get it right. (At Teezers Bar in Collinsville, a guy walked in with a silver handgun over the holidays and fired off a few rounds and marched out.  Police began looking for a 70 year-old man known to them and after much searching, they decided that the gunman they really needed to look for had the same name but was just 52.  Then, the Caseyville police gave their Collinsville counterparts an entirely different suspect’s name. The guy, who allegedly committed the explosive act, was none of the above: he had been hiding out all that time at Jessi’s Hideout in Collinsville.)
• From restaurateur Sam Kacar: I hope to open a third Trattoria Branica in Chesterfield Valley by mid-January and then focus on a fourth in the CWE or Webster Groves.
• From former airport director Dick Hrabko: I’m going to get those slots installed at the Spirit of St. Louis Airport.
• From Wind Capital exec Tom Carnahan:  I’ll use the hot air
• From the Roy Blunt campaign to generate electricity.
• From uber-flack Joan Quicksilver:  I’ll nominate Jerry Berger as Media Person of the Year.
• From affable CVC’s Kitty Ratcliffe:  I resolve I’ll ask for another convention center. (The woman has garnered kudos for signing such major confabs as the Church of God in Christ, that brought 40,000 here and has inked its convention for St. Louis in 2011 and 2012 – away From Memphis.
• From all of this column’s many sources: We’ll not turn a blind eye to any item that might amuse St. Louis in Jerry Berger’s website.

Caveat lector and Happy New Year!